Law & Courtroom · 2026-11-01
The Duel (Extremely Long)
The Duel (Extremely Long)
During the Yongle Emperor's reign in the Ming Dynasty, there was an imperial proclamation posted on the Quintuple Pailou of Front-Gate Street in Beijing. This proclamation gripped the attention of the entire city. The people of the three front gates gathered up like a storm. Monks, Taoists, Muslims, Confuscianists, Scholars of a hundred schools, farmers, artisans, merchants, and all the other professions in the world, along with officials, eunuchs, bowmen, arrowfolk, cart-pushers, pole carriers, coal sellers, charcoal sellers, needle and thread sellers, pie and noodle sellers, pot-fixers and garlic sellers, pancake and doughnut sellers, tea and egg sellers.... all these people! They don't know what happened with the country, and why there was a proclamation, so they gathered up to get a look.
At this time, from the north there came a dude, whose last name is Sun and first name is Delong and a butcher in the East Quaduple Pailou Butcher's Street, and knows how to catch and butcher pigs. He originally came from Dengzhou, Shandong, and is around 40 years old. He likes to drink. Today he just came from the butchery, and held his pig hook in his armpit, which is a white waxed pole as thick as a walnut, a meter and half in length, and two bronze hooks at the tip. If the pig runs away, he can hook it back with one pull. He held his purse in one hand and his ledger in his other armpit. He had a rope for a belt and pewter liquor bottle hanging on it. The bottle was polished so much it lit up like a lamp from the reflection of the sun. He wore a cotton cloth robe, but it's checkered pattern? Why? Because he wipes his knife on it after he cuts everything, meat, intestines, whatever. As the days gone by it went the same way as the razor sharpener in the salon.
So he just had the drink of his life from the liquor bar after work, and his legs were quaking as his words slurred, "This wine may be sorghum water, but it conquers the legs first on a man, can't see anything in front of me, like I've been possessed by a ghost!" He saw that there's a circle of people surrounding the proclamation? "I gotta see what this is about", so he forced his way in. He saw the proclamation, but he's illiterate, so he asks around. He taps another dude on the shoulder,
"Yo! What's this shit?"
Other guy says, "Slow down, man, careful you don't get a side stitch. This is an imperial proclamation!"
"The hell is an imperial proclamation?"
"Something the Emperor posted!"
"Can you read it for me?"
"Sure thing! Listen here, 'Blessed by the Mandate of Heaven the Emperor, his rescript reads as thus: In the seventh year of Chenghua, the Ryukyu Kingdom sends their tribute. In reality, however, they sent an old Taoist to test his power against us... "
"All right stop! Don't read anymore. I don't understand any of this!?"
"Oh, so I did this for nothing?"
"So let me ask, what's the first two phrases?"
"Blessed by the Mandate of Heaven the Emperor, His rescript reads as thus?"
"The hell is 'His rescript reads as thus?'"
"If the Emperor speaks, it's 'his rescript reads as thus'"
"So what would be for me speaking?"
"Uh... I don't know what would be reading as thus."
"Fine, continue"
This man however's already tired of it since he has to read and then explain. He figured he might as well just tell Sun what it means, "So basically the Ryukyu's are a vassal state that sends tribute and their declaration as our servant every year, but this year they sent an old Taoist, who knows how to do 36 styles of silent debate, and can recite 70 volumes of the 'Diamond Sutra', he's coming to to test his power against us Chinese. If we beat him, then they'll continue their tribute and declaration every year. If we can't, or nobody takes up the challenge, then they the Ryukyus are now the lords, and we Great Ming are now the vassal states. The Emperor thus sends out a proclamation seeking able people, who knows how to silently debate and recite the Diamond Sutra, to take up the challenge. If they can beat that old Taoist, the Emperor will give them any amounts of money or as high of a court position as possible! But it's useless for you, you don't know how to silent debate or recite the Diamond Sutra."
He just had to go there, because this Sun Delong has a name for being a "jack of all trades". If you say he's not capable of something, he's going to get mad, "Stop! How do you know I don't know how to silent debate, or how to read the Diamond Sutra?"
"Oh? So you can?"
"If I don't, what do I have this head for?"
"Ah! Then that's great! Take the proclamation and go challenge the old Taoist!"
Sun was walking up to take the proclamation when the other guy thought that he should make absolutely sure, so he asked. "The imperial proclamation says the old Taoist knows 36 styles of silent debate, do you?"
"How many styles?"
"36."
"I know 72."
"Wow! Twice the styles... The old Taoist can recite 70 volumes of the Diamond Sutra."
"And the Diamond Sutra I can recite is endless!"
"Then take the proclamation."
"I can't reach."
"So what's that in your hand then?"
"My pig hook."
"So use it to hook the proclamation then."
"Right."
He hooked the proclamation off the post. The soldiers who were guarding the proclamation saw that a drunk had taken the proclamation, so they took out their rope and tied him up, pushing him to see the official in charge.
The official in charge is the Imperial Secretary Xie. However, Sun refused to kneel and instead turned his face in disgust, "So what's your last name?"
Minister Xie was baffled, "So he's prosecuting me instead the other way around? or what?" He thought. "It's 'Xie'."
"Minister Xie, do you have common sense?"
"What does that mean?"
"Am I supposed to take the old Taoist's challenge tied up?"
"Oh? So you're the sorcerer?"
Minister Xie immediately reprimands the two soldiers. "You reprehensible idiots! How can you bring the sorcerer to me tied up!" He personally unties Sun. There's only one seat in the office. "Sorcerer, please sit." Of course, it's supposed to be Minister Xie's seat, but Sun doesn't know that, so he sits right away. Not only does he sit, but he also annoyingly says, "Oh, where would you sit then?"
Minister Xie has to reply, "Then I'll stand."
"So, Minister, where do we find this damned Taoist?"
"He's living in the Golden Terrace Institute in the Legation Quarter. That being said we must first go meet his majesty."
"What's a majesty?"
"The Emperor"
"Oh great, long time no see for us bros." Apparently, Sun's bros with the Emperor.
"So sorcerer, do you want to ride a horse or a litter to the palace?"
"Neither."
"Neither? Then what sorcery will you use?"
"I want to ride an ass."
"Ride an ass? Where do we find one for you?"
"No ass, no go."
Minister Xie was flabbergasted, but he personally went to the Zhangyi Gate to rent a donkey foal so Sun could ride it to the Palace. He had Sun wait in the East Court in the Palace.
Minister Xie reports to the Emperor, and the Emperor was pleased. He orders an immediate audience. However, Minister Xie ponders a bit and decides that he can't let Sun see the Emperor, because Sun hasn't practiced the proper protocols in the Ministry of Rites, and he doesn't know what might come out of Sun's mouth. If Sun goes up to the Emperor and says something like "Yo bro, long time no see", then Minister Xie would certainly lose his head. Thus, Minister Xie immediately says, "Your majesty, the sorcerer isn't a native of Beijing, and just came recently. He also hasn't practiced the propr protocols in the Ministry of Rites, so I fear he may offend your majesty with his improper behavior. If it were up to me, I would send him to take the challenge first, and have an audience after. If he defeats the old Taoist, then it's easier to forgive his transgressions in behavior."
Thus, the Emperor agrees and sends for the old Taoist in the Golden Terrace Institute, telling him that China has in fact found someone to accept his challenge. The old Taoist orders two 10-meter platforms be built in front of the Hall of Supreme Harmony, and a table, incense burners, offerings, candelabrum, scroll paper, cinnabar brush, vegetables, grains, and a bowl or rainwater.
"Whatever your sorcerer wants, tell him to prepare himself." The old Taoist says, but Minister Xie ponders and just orders the same things for Sun. The orders were fulfilled quickly. The old Taoist shook his robe, and a dark whirlwind blew, lifting him onto his platform. The officials in court were shocked.
The emperor sends his edict, "Minister Xie, ask our sorcerer to take the challenge, and also ride the wind or cloud up to the platform." Minister Xie immediately goes to the East Court to find the "sorcerer". He goes in and sees Xun sleeping on the floor. Minister Xie goes up and yells, "Sorcerer! Wake up!"
"Quit disturbing me!"
"Who's disturbing you! Pull him up."
Sun rubs his eyes, and looks around. This is inside the palace, and it's golden all over.
"Ay! Old Minister! Where the hell is this?"
"In the palace."
"What am I doing here in the palace?"
"What? Did you forget? You're here to take the old Taoist's challenge. He's on the platform waiting for you. The Emperor also moved his throne outside to see you two duel."
Sun was terrified, "What?!" He was, of course, completely drunk, and after sleeping for so long he had forgotten pretty much everything. After Minister Xie explains, he starts thinking: I've drank too much, and in my drunken stupor I took the imperial proclamation, I'm just a goddamn merchant, how the hell do I know how to duel with old Taoists? Besides, it appears that this guy is from another country, so he must have evil intentions. Now I've really done it! He immediately slaps himself in the face four times, "I'm an idiot! an idiot!"
He kneels down to Minister Xie, "Old minister, I've had too much to drink! It was the alcohol! I'm a butcher, please find someone else to duel! I can't do this at all! If this isn't enough for you, please slap me some more, and let me go with the wind like a kite!"
"Ah!?"
Minister Xie's rage boiled over and he shook, his hat quaking. He's both angry and scared, "Oh? You had too much to drink? You're right, this is way too much! Can you still feel your head on your neck? Just slap you and let you go? You can say this to me, fine, if I tell the same to the Emperor, then I've deceived him and failed the country. Deceiving him might be no big deal, but the country will be in trouble. This old Taoist is already there, what is His Majesty going to say to him? How will the country handle the shame? Neither of us will keep our heads for this. You're the drunk idiot that pulled the proclamation and tricked the official in charge, I'm the one that failed in office and allowed idiots into the palace, and deceived the Emperor and failed the country. Even if we get our deserved death, what is the Emperor to do? He will lose face, and our China will lose face. The Ryukyu will be lord and Ming will be vassal, and the Empire will be destroyed and our people enslaved!"
Sun Delong hears this and also starts to panic, which brought the alcohol back into his bloodstream, so he jumps up.
"Old Minister, it's fine! If neither of us will live, then it's easy to deal with. If we're to die regardless of whether I duel the old Taoist or not, then let's just duel so at least we'll die with our wounds in front. Even if we lose our head, it's just going to be a scab the size of a bowl. Maybe I'm not as good at sorcery as he is, but it's not certain he can fight as well as me! Let's go find him."
Minister Xie hears this and wonders, "Does he know how to duel or not?"
"Just go!" Minister Xie, out of options, leads him to the platforms and points to the one in the east, "See? He's already meditating up there."
Sun Delong takes a look and says, "Then I'm going on the other one. If we go on the same one, we'd fight for that territory."
"Just go!"
"How tall is it?"
"Ten meters!"
"Ten meters? Even if it's 30, that's no big deal, attendants!."
"What for?"
"Get me a ladder."
"Ladders are a no-go, the Emperor has already ordered that you ride the wind or clouds, because the old Taoist took the wind up."
The old Taoist, in fact, did not ride the wind. It's a trick. Inside his sleeve is an iron cylinder with wolf manure, charcoal, and Mayflower gloryberry inside, lit up. When he needs it, he shakes his robes and the cylinder's cover falls off, black smoke then pours out of it from his sleeves and neckline. Wolf manure provides the constant burn, but it's the mayflower that provides the black smoke that looks like a dark whirlwind surrounding him. Thus, with that cover he simply climbs up using hooks worn on his arm and legs.
Sun Delong hears about wind and cloud, so he asks, "What kind of wind?"
"Obviously, the Guiding Wind."
"All I know is passing wind."
"That won't do."
"Fuck it then, I'm not going without a ladder."
"Don't!"
Sun Delong again panics and paces in circles around the platform.
"Don't go there, the Emperor is there!"
"I need to sneak a peek"
Minister Xie was annoyed. Who peeks at the Emperor?
"Who's sitting there?" Sun asks,
"The Emperor, obviously."
"So who's the eight giants next to him?"
"That's the guards, The Golden Macemen."
"What's that in their hands?"
"The Golden Maces"
"So bring the tallest one to me. I have something to discuss with him."
Minister Xie goes and sees that it is in fact Hall of Supreme Harmony Guardsman of the First Class Bai Wenyuan.
"Lord Bai, here's a friend that wants to meet you, the sorcerer Sun who's here to duel. This is Hall of Supreme Harmony Guardsman of the First Class Lord Bai Wenyuan"
"Oh, Minister Bai, good tiding to you, please help me."
"What do you need?"
"I need to get up there"
"What's that got to do with me?"
"Without you I can't get up there."
"How so?"
"Think, this platform is ten meters tall, how tall are you?"
"Me? His majesty only picks the tallest for his guard. I'm in fact two meters seven."
"What about the golden mace?"
"Handle is four meters two, three decimeters for the mace, total four meters five."
"Ah, that's right. Four meters five plus two meters seven, that's seven meters two. It's only a bit from ten meters."
What's he calculating? Bai Wenyuan wonders.
"So, just let me sit on the mace, and you catapult me up there..." Sun says.
"What? I...'ve never heard of this!"
"If you don't, I'm leaving."
Minister Xie immediately runs over, "Lord Bai, please help him and just give it a try."
Bai Wenyuan was shaking with anger. Just what the hell is this? But he complies anyway. He lets Sun climb onto the mace, and vaults. With his strength, Sun flies 14 meters into the air, way past the platform. It would seem like Sun is in trouble because of the fall, but he was actually okay. Remember he has that meter and half hook? He reached the hook out to the platform to break his fall, and slid down it once it reached. Not only was he not injured, but he actually arrived standing up.
The old Taoist was meditating with his eyes closed, so he didn't see what Sun Delong was doing at all. When he opened his eyes, all he saw was Sun descending from 14 meters in the air. He was frightened, "Wow! There are indeed talented people in China! I only rode the whirlwind, they came straight from heaven!"
He then takes a look at Sun Delong and was even more frightened, "This man has fortuitous clouds at his feet and golden light protecting his body!" The reason is, of course, that Sun had kicked the incense pot over when he landed, and the incense ash poured out around him. As for the golden light, it's because of his oiled cotton clothes, which reflected brightly in the sunlight. Usually in battle, the side that loses their heart first loses, the old Taoist was shaking with fear. He warns himself to be careful, which only psyched himself out more. He holds out his hand and speaks.
"Amita!"
Even though he's short, his voice was like a bronze bell. The old Taoist has invoked his first chant, and Sun thinks to himself that he must return one.
"Good stuff!"
So the old Taoist says:
"Amitabha!"
And he hears that the old Taoist has added a syllable, so he adds a bunch.
"A bunch of junk stuff!"
The old Taoist was baffled. "I don't have that much stuff!" He thinks, "Might as well silently debate then!" He holds out a finger, which means:
"Don't underestimate me, I have The One Buddha saluting me!"
Sun of course, doesn't know that. He says he knew how to silently debate, but it's not the same thing. It's the kind of debate he has with customers in the butchery. He sees that the old Taoist has held out a finger, and was enraged,
"What's this? He thinks he's one generation older than me? Fuck you!"
He holds out two fingers. What does he mean?
"You think you're my uncle? Your dad's two generations behind me!"
The old Taoist thought, "Wow! My one finger is The One Buddha saluting me, so he counters with Two Saints shielding him!" He then raises three fingers, which means "The Three August ones rules the Earth". Sun Delong doesn't know, but he thinks:
"This is a trick, he raises one so I give him two, he's going to give me three, but if I give him four he's giving me five, and I don't have six fingers to give back. Therefore, I'm taking the five first!"
The old Taoist was amazed, "The Three August Ones rules the Earth" is indeed countered by "The Five Emperors are sovereign." He then slaps his chest, meaning "The One Buddha in my heart." Sun was again enraged, "So now you think you're my father-in-law?" He slaps his head, which means "You think you're my father-in-law? I'm slapping you and your daughter!" The old Taoist again saw that his "The One Buddha in my heart" being countered by "Heaven is above my head".
The old Taoist had to evaluate his options - he couldn't win the silent debate, so he took the scroll paper and pulls his sword out. "What? Is he going to slit his own throat?" The Taoist cuts the paper into three pieces and drew a charm on each with the cinnabar brush. He lights the candelabrum and then the scroll with the candle. He starts chanting as he shakes his sword, and the scroll starts burning brighter, which he wants to use to burn Sun Delong. Sun Delong taunts him, "Playing with fire? Aren't you a bit old for this? If you play with fire too much you'll piss your bed at night, and your mother will spank you!"
The old Taoist was incensed, so he continues to spin the fire, which grew from the size of a teacup to a plate. Why didn't it burn out the scroll? It's because the old Taoist has applied a special formula with the cinnabar to keep it burning. He threw the flaming scroll at the other platform, and it flew towards Sun's face. Sun dodges to the left and lets it pass, but his hair, which Ming Dynasty people usually wear in a bun on their head, caught fire, and half of his head was burnt off. Luckily for Sun, there was a bowl of rainwater on the platform, so he took it and put the fire out. The Old Taoist sees the charm has failed, so he starts burning the second one. Sun Delong sees this and was angered, "Oh, so you're kicking me while I'm down? You want to burn the other half so I'd have to become a monk and go beg for food with you? Fuck that! I'm attacking first!" He takes his hook and aims it at the old Taoist.
The old Taoist was still chanting with his eyes closed, which gave Sun enough time to aim. He throws the pig hook tail first towards the old Taoist "Look at this stuff!" If he didn't yell this he'd hit the old Taoist in the face, but since he yelled, the old Taoist opens his eyes and sees something flying towards him. "Amita!" He yells and dodges to the right. The pole of course missed, but the hooks behind it didn't, and cleaves two strands of flesh right off the old Taoist's cheek. "Amitabhaaaaaaaaaaaa!" The old Taoist screams. Sun Delong taunts again, "Doesn't pay attention, take this stuff!"
The old Taoist examines the pig hook and doesn't know what it is, and becomes more frightened, "Aya! I forgot he descended from heaven and has fortuitous clouds and golden light shielding him! This man is a true arhat and even has Gautama Buddha's Eight Treasures As-You-Will Purple Gold Hook!"
Sun Delong was delighted! "Idiot! My hair can still grow back, what pot-fixer can repair your face?"
This only served to frighten the old Taoist more, as he also noticed Sun's purse and wine bottle hanging on his belt. In his panic he thought they were the hundred-treasure pouch and heaven-flipping seal. As he kept frightening himself, he finally decided to use the foremost stratagem of the thirty six - retreat!
"Amita! I'm going back to my country to report!"
"If you leave I'm using my power!"
"No, Don't! I'll report to your Emperor first!"
The old Taoist leaps off the platform and runs up to the Hall of Supreme Harmony, kowtowing again and again. "Please forgive your vassal's transgressions! Please forgive your vassal's transgressions!"
Of course, the Emperor didn't understand any of it. He only heard the stuff about "Amita" and "Good stuff" and didn't get it. He then saw the old Taoist setting things on fire and then Sun Delong putting it out with water. "Of course! Water beats fire!" He then saw the old Taoist lighting fire again, and was annoyed, but then while he was staring at the fire, he saw that the Taoist's cheeks were then gashed. He clapped happily, "We've won! Good! Good!" He saw that the old Taoist has descended and knew that the old Taoist admitted defeat.
"What do you have to say?"
"Ah! Your majesty! Please forgive us! We admit defeat and will tribute and declare every year!"
"Of course! We must know, however, what is 'Amita'?"
"That's how we Taoists greet people."
"What about his 'Good stuff'?"
"I don't know, what's good stuff?"
"What about 'Amitabha'?"
"It's also a greeting."
"What about his 'A bunch of junk stuff!'?"
"He has too much stuff" The old Taoist points to his cheek "Look at this stuff I took!"
"Then what was that finger?"
"The One Buddha saluting me!"
"What about his two?"
"Two Saints shielding him!"
"What about your three?"
"'The Three August Ones rules the Earth', then your sorcerer counters with 'The Five Emperors are sovereign.' I slapped my chest meaning 'The One Buddha in my heart', and he counters with a slap on his head meaning 'Heaven is above my head'".
"So what about that fire?"
"Please forgive me! I wanted to toss him off the platform."
"For a man of mercy you sure are merciless! What about your face?"
"Eight Treasures As-You-Will Purple Gold Hook."
So then he was dismissed and goes to await the Emperor's judgment.
The Emperor's attendant then looks on the platform "Wait, why is our sorcerer still up there?" Of course, Sun Delong couldn't get down, and he's pacing on the platform wondering if he had won or not. The Emperor sees and says, "Our sorcerer must be wounded by that demon fire, have somebody help him down." So immediately a ladder was raised and Sun Delong gets off the platform. Minister Xie walks over and says, "The Emperor requires your audience, just kowtow and try not to speak." Why? He's still afraid of that possible "Hey bro, long time no see". Sun Delong enters the Hall of Supreme Harmony and salutes the Emperor, "Hey!"
Are you going to bite me? The Emperor wonders, but then Sun says.
"I am kowtowing to your majesty."
Of course, since he won, the Emperor was happy, "Raise your head."
Normally, it's against protocol to raise your head and you're supposed to say, "It's a crime to" and the Emperor would then say, "We pardon it", but Sun Deleng doesn't know that and raises his head immediately to stare at the Emperor, "What?"
The Emperor laughed, "So did you win or not?"
Sun Delong is afraid of this, because he doesn't know if he won or not. He lowers his head. The Emperor asks again, "Did you win or not?" He turns his head and sees the old Taoist, so when the Emperor asks a third time, he answers, "Your majesty, I can't answer that. If I say I won, then I'm boasting, but if I say I didn't win, what did I come here for? If you don't have the skills you don't get the kills."
Minister Xie is annoyed, "What's all this small talk?"
"Please don't ask me who won, you should ask him. If he says I lost then I lost, if I said I won then I won. Old Taoist! If you say I lost, then let's go back up there for round two!"
The old Taoist holds his cheek and says, "Please no! He won!"
"What's the sorcerer's name?" The Emperor asks.
"My name is Sun Delong and I live in the butchery street. The Delong Butchery is mine. I've never cheated a customer and you'll always get 16 ounces to your pound!"
Who asked him about that?
"So after you met, what's 'Amita'?" The Emperor asks.
"Oh that's simple! I know him."
The old Taoist was surprised. He knows me? I don't know him?
"This man is here to beg for money."
"Why 'Amita'?"
"In my butchery, whenever someone comes to beg, if it's a monk they'll say 'Mitabha", if it's a Taoist they'll say, "Amita', both means 'Give me money.'"
"Then what's 'Good stuff'?"
"I said 'Good stuff' because I was thinking, 'How the hell is there another one when two already begged from me?"
The old Taoist starts to grimace.
"Then in the silent debate, what's that one finger?"
Sun Delong however started thinking: Maybe the Emperor is going to punish the old Taoist, and the worst punishment is the nine familial exterminations. If I tell the Emperor about that generation stuff, then even if it's four generations apart it's still not out of the nine. I need to say something else. This is where the old Taoist is finally mentally slain:
"Your majesty, we were discussing business."
"How so? He sticks one out, you stick two, he then sticks three and you stick five. He slaps his chest and you slap your head. Isn't that silent debate?"
"No, your majesty, it's business"
"What kind of business?"
"He knows I'm a butcher, and in his temple there's going to be a feast, so he wants to buy a pig. I tell him go ahead, I even have two for you. He wants one that's at least three hundred pounds, I tell him I've got ones that's more than five hundred pounds, he asks if the heart, liver and lungs come with it, and I tell him that he can have the pig head too!"
tl'dr: Chinese xiangsheng piece parallel of the Muslim Ban joke that u/GaryV83_at_Work put up.
During the Yongle Emperor's reign in the Ming Dynasty, there was an imperial proclamation posted on the Quintuple Pailou of Front-Gate Street in Beijing. This proclamation gripped the attention of the entire city. The people of the three front gates gathered up like a storm. Monks, Taoists, Muslims, Confuscianists, Scholars of a hundred schools, farmers, artisans, merchants, and all the other professions in the world, along with officials, eunuchs, bowmen, arrowfolk, cart-pushers, pole carriers, coal sellers, charcoal sellers, needle and thread sellers, pie and noodle sellers, pot-fixers and garlic sellers, pancake and doughnut sellers, tea and egg sellers.... all these people! They don't know what happened with the country, and why there was a proclamation, so they gathered up to get a look.
At this time, from the north there came a dude, whose last name is Sun and first name is Delong and a butcher in the East Quaduple Pailou Butcher's Street, and knows how to catch and butcher pigs. He originally came from Dengzhou, Shandong, and is around 40 years old. He likes to drink. Today he just came from the butchery, and held his pig hook in his armpit, which is a white waxed pole as thick as a walnut, a meter and half in length, and two bronze hooks at the tip. If the pig runs away, he can hook it back with one pull. He held his purse in one hand and his ledger in his other armpit. He had a rope for a belt and pewter liquor bottle hanging on it. The bottle was polished so much it lit up like a lamp from the reflection of the sun. He wore a cotton cloth robe, but it's checkered pattern? Why? Because he wipes his knife on it after he cuts everything, meat, intestines, whatever. As the days gone by it went the same way as the razor sharpener in the salon.
So he just had the drink of his life from the liquor bar after work, and his legs were quaking as his words slurred, "This wine may be sorghum water, but it conquers the legs first on a man, can't see anything in front of me, like I've been possessed by a ghost!" He saw that there's a circle of people surrounding the proclamation? "I gotta see what this is about", so he forced his way in. He saw the proclamation, but he's illiterate, so he asks around. He taps another dude on the shoulder,
"Yo! What's this shit?"
Other guy says, "Slow down, man, careful you don't get a side stitch. This is an imperial proclamation!"
"The hell is an imperial proclamation?"
"Something the Emperor posted!"
"Can you read it for me?"
"Sure thing! Listen here, 'Blessed by the Mandate of Heaven the Emperor, his rescript reads as thus: In the seventh year of Chenghua, the Ryukyu Kingdom sends their tribute. In reality, however, they sent an old Taoist to test his power against us... "
"All right stop! Don't read anymore. I don't understand any of this!?"
"Oh, so I did this for nothing?"
"So let me ask, what's the first two phrases?"
"Blessed by the Mandate of Heaven the Emperor, His rescript reads as thus?"
"The hell is 'His rescript reads as thus?'"
"If the Emperor speaks, it's 'his rescript reads as thus'"
"So what would be for me speaking?"
"Uh... I don't know what would be reading as thus."
"Fine, continue"
This man however's already tired of it since he has to read and then explain. He figured he might as well just tell Sun what it means, "So basically the Ryukyu's are a vassal state that sends tribute and their declaration as our servant every year, but this year they sent an old Taoist, who knows how to do 36 styles of silent debate, and can recite 70 volumes of the 'Diamond Sutra', he's coming to to test his power against us Chinese. If we beat him, then they'll continue their tribute and declaration every year. If we can't, or nobody takes up the challenge, then they the Ryukyus are now the lords, and we Great Ming are now the vassal states. The Emperor thus sends out a proclamation seeking able people, who knows how to silently debate and recite the Diamond Sutra, to take up the challenge. If they can beat that old Taoist, the Emperor will give them any amounts of money or as high of a court position as possible! But it's useless for you, you don't know how to silent debate or recite the Diamond Sutra."
He just had to go there, because this Sun Delong has a name for being a "jack of all trades". If you say he's not capable of something, he's going to get mad, "Stop! How do you know I don't know how to silent debate, or how to read the Diamond Sutra?"
"Oh? So you can?"
"If I don't, what do I have this head for?"
"Ah! Then that's great! Take the proclamation and go challenge the old Taoist!"
Sun was walking up to take the proclamation when the other guy thought that he should make absolutely sure, so he asked. "The imperial proclamation says the old Taoist knows 36 styles of silent debate, do you?"
"How many styles?"
"36."
"I know 72."
"Wow! Twice the styles... The old Taoist can recite 70 volumes of the Diamond Sutra."
"And the Diamond Sutra I can recite is endless!"
"Then take the proclamation."
"I can't reach."
"So what's that in your hand then?"
"My pig hook."
"So use it to hook the proclamation then."
"Right."
He hooked the proclamation off the post. The soldiers who were guarding the proclamation saw that a drunk had taken the proclamation, so they took out their rope and tied him up, pushing him to see the official in charge.
The official in charge is the Imperial Secretary Xie. However, Sun refused to kneel and instead turned his face in disgust, "So what's your last name?"
Minister Xie was baffled, "So he's prosecuting me instead the other way around? or what?" He thought. "It's 'Xie'."
"Minister Xie, do you have common sense?"
"What does that mean?"
"Am I supposed to take the old Taoist's challenge tied up?"
"Oh? So you're the sorcerer?"
Minister Xie immediately reprimands the two soldiers. "You reprehensible idiots! How can you bring the sorcerer to me tied up!" He personally unties Sun. There's only one seat in the office. "Sorcerer, please sit." Of course, it's supposed to be Minister Xie's seat, but Sun doesn't know that, so he sits right away. Not only does he sit, but he also annoyingly says, "Oh, where would you sit then?"
Minister Xie has to reply, "Then I'll stand."
"So, Minister, where do we find this damned Taoist?"
"He's living in the Golden Terrace Institute in the Legation Quarter. That being said we must first go meet his majesty."
"What's a majesty?"
"The Emperor"
"Oh great, long time no see for us bros." Apparently, Sun's bros with the Emperor.
"So sorcerer, do you want to ride a horse or a litter to the palace?"
"Neither."
"Neither? Then what sorcery will you use?"
"I want to ride an ass."
"Ride an ass? Where do we find one for you?"
"No ass, no go."
Minister Xie was flabbergasted, but he personally went to the Zhangyi Gate to rent a donkey foal so Sun could ride it to the Palace. He had Sun wait in the East Court in the Palace.
Minister Xie reports to the Emperor, and the Emperor was pleased. He orders an immediate audience. However, Minister Xie ponders a bit and decides that he can't let Sun see the Emperor, because Sun hasn't practiced the proper protocols in the Ministry of Rites, and he doesn't know what might come out of Sun's mouth. If Sun goes up to the Emperor and says something like "Yo bro, long time no see", then Minister Xie would certainly lose his head. Thus, Minister Xie immediately says, "Your majesty, the sorcerer isn't a native of Beijing, and just came recently. He also hasn't practiced the propr protocols in the Ministry of Rites, so I fear he may offend your majesty with his improper behavior. If it were up to me, I would send him to take the challenge first, and have an audience after. If he defeats the old Taoist, then it's easier to forgive his transgressions in behavior."
Thus, the Emperor agrees and sends for the old Taoist in the Golden Terrace Institute, telling him that China has in fact found someone to accept his challenge. The old Taoist orders two 10-meter platforms be built in front of the Hall of Supreme Harmony, and a table, incense burners, offerings, candelabrum, scroll paper, cinnabar brush, vegetables, grains, and a bowl or rainwater.
"Whatever your sorcerer wants, tell him to prepare himself." The old Taoist says, but Minister Xie ponders and just orders the same things for Sun. The orders were fulfilled quickly. The old Taoist shook his robe, and a dark whirlwind blew, lifting him onto his platform. The officials in court were shocked.
The emperor sends his edict, "Minister Xie, ask our sorcerer to take the challenge, and also ride the wind or cloud up to the platform." Minister Xie immediately goes to the East Court to find the "sorcerer". He goes in and sees Xun sleeping on the floor. Minister Xie goes up and yells, "Sorcerer! Wake up!"
"Quit disturbing me!"
"Who's disturbing you! Pull him up."
Sun rubs his eyes, and looks around. This is inside the palace, and it's golden all over.
"Ay! Old Minister! Where the hell is this?"
"In the palace."
"What am I doing here in the palace?"
"What? Did you forget? You're here to take the old Taoist's challenge. He's on the platform waiting for you. The Emperor also moved his throne outside to see you two duel."
Sun was terrified, "What?!" He was, of course, completely drunk, and after sleeping for so long he had forgotten pretty much everything. After Minister Xie explains, he starts thinking: I've drank too much, and in my drunken stupor I took the imperial proclamation, I'm just a goddamn merchant, how the hell do I know how to duel with old Taoists? Besides, it appears that this guy is from another country, so he must have evil intentions. Now I've really done it! He immediately slaps himself in the face four times, "I'm an idiot! an idiot!"
He kneels down to Minister Xie, "Old minister, I've had too much to drink! It was the alcohol! I'm a butcher, please find someone else to duel! I can't do this at all! If this isn't enough for you, please slap me some more, and let me go with the wind like a kite!"
"Ah!?"
Minister Xie's rage boiled over and he shook, his hat quaking. He's both angry and scared, "Oh? You had too much to drink? You're right, this is way too much! Can you still feel your head on your neck? Just slap you and let you go? You can say this to me, fine, if I tell the same to the Emperor, then I've deceived him and failed the country. Deceiving him might be no big deal, but the country will be in trouble. This old Taoist is already there, what is His Majesty going to say to him? How will the country handle the shame? Neither of us will keep our heads for this. You're the drunk idiot that pulled the proclamation and tricked the official in charge, I'm the one that failed in office and allowed idiots into the palace, and deceived the Emperor and failed the country. Even if we get our deserved death, what is the Emperor to do? He will lose face, and our China will lose face. The Ryukyu will be lord and Ming will be vassal, and the Empire will be destroyed and our people enslaved!"
Sun Delong hears this and also starts to panic, which brought the alcohol back into his bloodstream, so he jumps up.
"Old Minister, it's fine! If neither of us will live, then it's easy to deal with. If we're to die regardless of whether I duel the old Taoist or not, then let's just duel so at least we'll die with our wounds in front. Even if we lose our head, it's just going to be a scab the size of a bowl. Maybe I'm not as good at sorcery as he is, but it's not certain he can fight as well as me! Let's go find him."
Minister Xie hears this and wonders, "Does he know how to duel or not?"
"Just go!" Minister Xie, out of options, leads him to the platforms and points to the one in the east, "See? He's already meditating up there."
Sun Delong takes a look and says, "Then I'm going on the other one. If we go on the same one, we'd fight for that territory."
"Just go!"
"How tall is it?"
"Ten meters!"
"Ten meters? Even if it's 30, that's no big deal, attendants!."
"What for?"
"Get me a ladder."
"Ladders are a no-go, the Emperor has already ordered that you ride the wind or clouds, because the old Taoist took the wind up."
The old Taoist, in fact, did not ride the wind. It's a trick. Inside his sleeve is an iron cylinder with wolf manure, charcoal, and Mayflower gloryberry inside, lit up. When he needs it, he shakes his robes and the cylinder's cover falls off, black smoke then pours out of it from his sleeves and neckline. Wolf manure provides the constant burn, but it's the mayflower that provides the black smoke that looks like a dark whirlwind surrounding him. Thus, with that cover he simply climbs up using hooks worn on his arm and legs.
Sun Delong hears about wind and cloud, so he asks, "What kind of wind?"
"Obviously, the Guiding Wind."
"All I know is passing wind."
"That won't do."
"Fuck it then, I'm not going without a ladder."
"Don't!"
Sun Delong again panics and paces in circles around the platform.
"Don't go there, the Emperor is there!"
"I need to sneak a peek"
Minister Xie was annoyed. Who peeks at the Emperor?
"Who's sitting there?" Sun asks,
"The Emperor, obviously."
"So who's the eight giants next to him?"
"That's the guards, The Golden Macemen."
"What's that in their hands?"
"The Golden Maces"
"So bring the tallest one to me. I have something to discuss with him."
Minister Xie goes and sees that it is in fact Hall of Supreme Harmony Guardsman of the First Class Bai Wenyuan.
"Lord Bai, here's a friend that wants to meet you, the sorcerer Sun who's here to duel. This is Hall of Supreme Harmony Guardsman of the First Class Lord Bai Wenyuan"
"Oh, Minister Bai, good tiding to you, please help me."
"What do you need?"
"I need to get up there"
"What's that got to do with me?"
"Without you I can't get up there."
"How so?"
"Think, this platform is ten meters tall, how tall are you?"
"Me? His majesty only picks the tallest for his guard. I'm in fact two meters seven."
"What about the golden mace?"
"Handle is four meters two, three decimeters for the mace, total four meters five."
"Ah, that's right. Four meters five plus two meters seven, that's seven meters two. It's only a bit from ten meters."
What's he calculating? Bai Wenyuan wonders.
"So, just let me sit on the mace, and you catapult me up there..." Sun says.
"What? I...'ve never heard of this!"
"If you don't, I'm leaving."
Minister Xie immediately runs over, "Lord Bai, please help him and just give it a try."
Bai Wenyuan was shaking with anger. Just what the hell is this? But he complies anyway. He lets Sun climb onto the mace, and vaults. With his strength, Sun flies 14 meters into the air, way past the platform. It would seem like Sun is in trouble because of the fall, but he was actually okay. Remember he has that meter and half hook? He reached the hook out to the platform to break his fall, and slid down it once it reached. Not only was he not injured, but he actually arrived standing up.
The old Taoist was meditating with his eyes closed, so he didn't see what Sun Delong was doing at all. When he opened his eyes, all he saw was Sun descending from 14 meters in the air. He was frightened, "Wow! There are indeed talented people in China! I only rode the whirlwind, they came straight from heaven!"
He then takes a look at Sun Delong and was even more frightened, "This man has fortuitous clouds at his feet and golden light protecting his body!" The reason is, of course, that Sun had kicked the incense pot over when he landed, and the incense ash poured out around him. As for the golden light, it's because of his oiled cotton clothes, which reflected brightly in the sunlight. Usually in battle, the side that loses their heart first loses, the old Taoist was shaking with fear. He warns himself to be careful, which only psyched himself out more. He holds out his hand and speaks.
"Amita!"
Even though he's short, his voice was like a bronze bell. The old Taoist has invoked his first chant, and Sun thinks to himself that he must return one.
"Good stuff!"
So the old Taoist says:
"Amitabha!"
And he hears that the old Taoist has added a syllable, so he adds a bunch.
"A bunch of junk stuff!"
The old Taoist was baffled. "I don't have that much stuff!" He thinks, "Might as well silently debate then!" He holds out a finger, which means:
"Don't underestimate me, I have The One Buddha saluting me!"
Sun of course, doesn't know that. He says he knew how to silently debate, but it's not the same thing. It's the kind of debate he has with customers in the butchery. He sees that the old Taoist has held out a finger, and was enraged,
"What's this? He thinks he's one generation older than me? Fuck you!"
He holds out two fingers. What does he mean?
"You think you're my uncle? Your dad's two generations behind me!"
The old Taoist thought, "Wow! My one finger is The One Buddha saluting me, so he counters with Two Saints shielding him!" He then raises three fingers, which means "The Three August ones rules the Earth". Sun Delong doesn't know, but he thinks:
"This is a trick, he raises one so I give him two, he's going to give me three, but if I give him four he's giving me five, and I don't have six fingers to give back. Therefore, I'm taking the five first!"
The old Taoist was amazed, "The Three August Ones rules the Earth" is indeed countered by "The Five Emperors are sovereign." He then slaps his chest, meaning "The One Buddha in my heart." Sun was again enraged, "So now you think you're my father-in-law?" He slaps his head, which means "You think you're my father-in-law? I'm slapping you and your daughter!" The old Taoist again saw that his "The One Buddha in my heart" being countered by "Heaven is above my head".
The old Taoist had to evaluate his options - he couldn't win the silent debate, so he took the scroll paper and pulls his sword out. "What? Is he going to slit his own throat?" The Taoist cuts the paper into three pieces and drew a charm on each with the cinnabar brush. He lights the candelabrum and then the scroll with the candle. He starts chanting as he shakes his sword, and the scroll starts burning brighter, which he wants to use to burn Sun Delong. Sun Delong taunts him, "Playing with fire? Aren't you a bit old for this? If you play with fire too much you'll piss your bed at night, and your mother will spank you!"
The old Taoist was incensed, so he continues to spin the fire, which grew from the size of a teacup to a plate. Why didn't it burn out the scroll? It's because the old Taoist has applied a special formula with the cinnabar to keep it burning. He threw the flaming scroll at the other platform, and it flew towards Sun's face. Sun dodges to the left and lets it pass, but his hair, which Ming Dynasty people usually wear in a bun on their head, caught fire, and half of his head was burnt off. Luckily for Sun, there was a bowl of rainwater on the platform, so he took it and put the fire out. The Old Taoist sees the charm has failed, so he starts burning the second one. Sun Delong sees this and was angered, "Oh, so you're kicking me while I'm down? You want to burn the other half so I'd have to become a monk and go beg for food with you? Fuck that! I'm attacking first!" He takes his hook and aims it at the old Taoist.
The old Taoist was still chanting with his eyes closed, which gave Sun enough time to aim. He throws the pig hook tail first towards the old Taoist "Look at this stuff!" If he didn't yell this he'd hit the old Taoist in the face, but since he yelled, the old Taoist opens his eyes and sees something flying towards him. "Amita!" He yells and dodges to the right. The pole of course missed, but the hooks behind it didn't, and cleaves two strands of flesh right off the old Taoist's cheek. "Amitabhaaaaaaaaaaaa!" The old Taoist screams. Sun Delong taunts again, "Doesn't pay attention, take this stuff!"
The old Taoist examines the pig hook and doesn't know what it is, and becomes more frightened, "Aya! I forgot he descended from heaven and has fortuitous clouds and golden light shielding him! This man is a true arhat and even has Gautama Buddha's Eight Treasures As-You-Will Purple Gold Hook!"
Sun Delong was delighted! "Idiot! My hair can still grow back, what pot-fixer can repair your face?"
This only served to frighten the old Taoist more, as he also noticed Sun's purse and wine bottle hanging on his belt. In his panic he thought they were the hundred-treasure pouch and heaven-flipping seal. As he kept frightening himself, he finally decided to use the foremost stratagem of the thirty six - retreat!
"Amita! I'm going back to my country to report!"
"If you leave I'm using my power!"
"No, Don't! I'll report to your Emperor first!"
The old Taoist leaps off the platform and runs up to the Hall of Supreme Harmony, kowtowing again and again. "Please forgive your vassal's transgressions! Please forgive your vassal's transgressions!"
Of course, the Emperor didn't understand any of it. He only heard the stuff about "Amita" and "Good stuff" and didn't get it. He then saw the old Taoist setting things on fire and then Sun Delong putting it out with water. "Of course! Water beats fire!" He then saw the old Taoist lighting fire again, and was annoyed, but then while he was staring at the fire, he saw that the Taoist's cheeks were then gashed. He clapped happily, "We've won! Good! Good!" He saw that the old Taoist has descended and knew that the old Taoist admitted defeat.
"What do you have to say?"
"Ah! Your majesty! Please forgive us! We admit defeat and will tribute and declare every year!"
"Of course! We must know, however, what is 'Amita'?"
"That's how we Taoists greet people."
"What about his 'Good stuff'?"
"I don't know, what's good stuff?"
"What about 'Amitabha'?"
"It's also a greeting."
"What about his 'A bunch of junk stuff!'?"
"He has too much stuff" The old Taoist points to his cheek "Look at this stuff I took!"
"Then what was that finger?"
"The One Buddha saluting me!"
"What about his two?"
"Two Saints shielding him!"
"What about your three?"
"'The Three August Ones rules the Earth', then your sorcerer counters with 'The Five Emperors are sovereign.' I slapped my chest meaning 'The One Buddha in my heart', and he counters with a slap on his head meaning 'Heaven is above my head'".
"So what about that fire?"
"Please forgive me! I wanted to toss him off the platform."
"For a man of mercy you sure are merciless! What about your face?"
"Eight Treasures As-You-Will Purple Gold Hook."
So then he was dismissed and goes to await the Emperor's judgment.
The Emperor's attendant then looks on the platform "Wait, why is our sorcerer still up there?" Of course, Sun Delong couldn't get down, and he's pacing on the platform wondering if he had won or not. The Emperor sees and says, "Our sorcerer must be wounded by that demon fire, have somebody help him down." So immediately a ladder was raised and Sun Delong gets off the platform. Minister Xie walks over and says, "The Emperor requires your audience, just kowtow and try not to speak." Why? He's still afraid of that possible "Hey bro, long time no see". Sun Delong enters the Hall of Supreme Harmony and salutes the Emperor, "Hey!"
Are you going to bite me? The Emperor wonders, but then Sun says.
"I am kowtowing to your majesty."
Of course, since he won, the Emperor was happy, "Raise your head."
Normally, it's against protocol to raise your head and you're supposed to say, "It's a crime to" and the Emperor would then say, "We pardon it", but Sun Deleng doesn't know that and raises his head immediately to stare at the Emperor, "What?"
The Emperor laughed, "So did you win or not?"
Sun Delong is afraid of this, because he doesn't know if he won or not. He lowers his head. The Emperor asks again, "Did you win or not?" He turns his head and sees the old Taoist, so when the Emperor asks a third time, he answers, "Your majesty, I can't answer that. If I say I won, then I'm boasting, but if I say I didn't win, what did I come here for? If you don't have the skills you don't get the kills."
Minister Xie is annoyed, "What's all this small talk?"
"Please don't ask me who won, you should ask him. If he says I lost then I lost, if I said I won then I won. Old Taoist! If you say I lost, then let's go back up there for round two!"
The old Taoist holds his cheek and says, "Please no! He won!"
"What's the sorcerer's name?" The Emperor asks.
"My name is Sun Delong and I live in the butchery street. The Delong Butchery is mine. I've never cheated a customer and you'll always get 16 ounces to your pound!"
Who asked him about that?
"So after you met, what's 'Amita'?" The Emperor asks.
"Oh that's simple! I know him."
The old Taoist was surprised. He knows me? I don't know him?
"This man is here to beg for money."
"Why 'Amita'?"
"In my butchery, whenever someone comes to beg, if it's a monk they'll say 'Mitabha", if it's a Taoist they'll say, "Amita', both means 'Give me money.'"
"Then what's 'Good stuff'?"
"I said 'Good stuff' because I was thinking, 'How the hell is there another one when two already begged from me?"
The old Taoist starts to grimace.
"Then in the silent debate, what's that one finger?"
Sun Delong however started thinking: Maybe the Emperor is going to punish the old Taoist, and the worst punishment is the nine familial exterminations. If I tell the Emperor about that generation stuff, then even if it's four generations apart it's still not out of the nine. I need to say something else. This is where the old Taoist is finally mentally slain:
"Your majesty, we were discussing business."
"How so? He sticks one out, you stick two, he then sticks three and you stick five. He slaps his chest and you slap your head. Isn't that silent debate?"
"No, your majesty, it's business"
"What kind of business?"
"He knows I'm a butcher, and in his temple there's going to be a feast, so he wants to buy a pig. I tell him go ahead, I even have two for you. He wants one that's at least three hundred pounds, I tell him I've got ones that's more than five hundred pounds, he asks if the heart, liver and lungs come with it, and I tell him that he can have the pig head too!"
tl'dr: Chinese xiangsheng piece parallel of the Muslim Ban joke that u/GaryV83_at_Work put up.
Source: Reddit.