I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job...

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job...

...but when I got home, all the signs were there.

Few more:

* I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

* I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.

* My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.

* I, for one, like Roman numerals.

* People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.

* Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.

* I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.

* The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself “This changes everything.”

* My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

* My friend gave me his Epi-Pen as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

* I’ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer, but no one will do it.

* I saw a sign that said “watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

* I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.

* People say I’m condescending. That means i talk down to people.